Different

I don't want to be me.
Just for a little while.
But it's hard to be you when its considered strange to be you.
So we wish for stupid things.
Like to be other people.
To be the same.

But being the same is boring.
The same is not me.
And while I don't want to be me, I always want to be me.
It's complex but also simple.

While being different than who you are seems like a lovely idea, its not.
Because while you are busy trying to be someone else..
The world is losing you.

And who is a better person to be than yourself?
So it's okay to be you.
You are like no one else.

Even if that means you're different.
And you feel like no one will understand.

One day someone just as different will find you.
And you both can be different together.

A letter to him

I know it's not as likely that you think of me as often as I do you. That is, if you even bother to think of me at all anymore. However, I hope that if I ever do manage to cross your mind, even if its only for a second; that you smile.
I hope when you remember me, its the way I laughed at your jokes or held your hand. I hope you remember how you felt when you looked at me.
I know you've held a dozen more hands, and kissed many more lips, and breathed in a couple more scents than I. But I hope that when you think of me you remember when I slept in your arms and you stole all the blankets, and I teased you about it for a whole week.

I don't want you to remember the sadness, I wish that wasn't how you saw me.

I know you are no longer who you were. I know your ideas and personality has changed and I know you say you're cold and are used to disappointing people.

But I remember the way you smile. How you got those little wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed. I remember how you held my hand when you would drive. I remember when you told me you would be so lucky if you could even experience half the love your parents have for each other one day.

I know I'm a fool, because you disappeared a long time ago, and its been a few years since i've seen you. But I know deep down you're still there. Deep down there is still that beautiful smile that could light up a whole room.

I know before you left me for good you said that i would be the one who got away.

Well, you were the one that got away.

Because I fell in love with you when I was 17.

And deep down, I never stopped.

I start college in a week. That is so strange. "I start college in a week." I never thought I'd be saying that. 

I still can remember my first day of 5th grade and thinking, "gosh, one day i'm going to graduate and go to college, I wonder if I will still be the same? I at least hope I still think Peter Pan is cool." and you know, I'm not that little girl anymore. 
Ever since I was little I was so fixated on growing up. "My life is going to begin when I am 18, I just know it." 

Now I sit here, as a 19 year old, a week away from college. In a new home, without my cat Charlie, and I currently only know how to get to the local Chipotle and a snowball stand.

I'm happy. I am a little bored on the lack of not knowing anyone yet, but I am happy. 

I would have never imagined that I would be living in a different state in my aunt and uncle's house and attending a community college with my cousin. 

But that is the thing about life. We can imagine and dream and paint this pretty picture of how our life is going to be but it never turns out that way. Sometimes the lines go a little wobbly, and the led of your pencil breaks. Sometimes the ink in your pen explodes and sometimes you just run out of paint. But that is the beauty of this life. Its unexpected. Its challenging. And it takes you to places you would have never thought of going, but its your story. There is beauty in not knowing. Of course there is also fear, but with that fear we get pushed out of our comfort zone and we grow. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Growing. Always growing. 

You know, life is this huge adventure. It's given to us. Right in front of us, it is just there. With this there are no promises, no facts set in stone, but that is all just part of the ride. There is this wonderful quote by LM Montgomery that goes "Isn't it nice to know that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" 

There is just something so positive in that quote that gives me hope every time I read it. And it's true! While our future is beyond what we can see we still have the power to choose. Sometimes in what we do, and others in how we feel. I realize that we all have our battles. May it be not getting the grade you hoped for, crashing your car, going through a hard breakup, losing your job, a loss of a loved one, not being able to afford this months rent. Whatever it may be, big or small. We have the power as human beings to either let these things defeat and define us or let us grow and over come them. 

Yes it's easy to let these things in our lives defeat us, but why let them? Why waste our energy? The only person you end up hurting is yourself. 

So here I sit. One week away from college, and i'm ready. 
For where ever it takes me. 

December 14th 2012 3:44 am

I haven't slept in days.
Everything is turning into a blur.
My life is a consistent pattern of waitressing and going to school.

I graduate Friday.
Im not excited. I've acted like it but im not.
I am rather sad really. I've grown to love the teachers that have been with me the past year and a half.
And, I am terrible at goodbyes. I always believe its the end. Even if i'll see the person in a few months.
I treat as a forever.

I have to write a speech.
I don't even know where to begin.
Should it be short and sweet? or a meaningful whole page long.
Every time I pick up that pen I start to tear up.
maybe because I feel like this is my goodbye. To everyone.
To high school. To my teachers. To my family.

I know what lies ahead.
I have a plan.
But even with that knowledge I know nothing at all.

Im terrified.
Shaken with the idea of me diving head first in to a world I know nothing about.
A world i've never even stepped in.
And knowing what I know and what I don't know doesn't settle easy.

Im punishing myself.
I wont let myself sleep.
I stay up until you hear the birds chirp.
Im doing in on purpose.
Because why should I have the pleasure of sleeping when I have a vague idea on how Im going destroy a part of my family.

Im spreading my wings, so to speak.
Nearly nineteen years old. I have to.
I can't be a child. I must grow up.
Peter and the Lost Boys would be so disappointed in me.
I'll keep my child like ways with me though.
Always.

I have so many letters to write.
Letters of thanks.
Letters of love.
And the worst of all...
Letters of apologeticness and explanation.

Im guilty.
Im guilty of wanting to be free.
But I have to.
Because if I don't now....
I never will.

Death

Some days, it gets really hard to smile. This of course happens to everyone, but when I really start thinking it gets dangerous. And what I happen to find ironic is how the winter months are suppose to be full of love, joy, cheer, and thanks it overall backfires. At least for myself it does. This isn't me saying that all those things don't actually happen, because they do. But a lot of death has happened in the past 3 weeks. People i've known, and mutual friends. Its ere while flipping through their photos to where they seem so alive and full of life and spirit and knowing they are no longer here.

The holidays are right around the corner and I can't help but feel sad for all the ones who have recently left us and how there is going to be empty chairs now at those family gatherings.
Its going to be a cold winter this year.

my dating dilemma

Now, this may be because I have suddenly stumbled across a variety of shows and movies with love interests that end up either starting or ending in a painful break up, but the universe has really kept relationships in my face.

After a year and a half of the most painful heart break I have ever experienced over a guy, I have finally gotten to the place in my life where it doesn't hurt anymore, it is only a memory with all the emotions tucked away in a box. Where moving forward seems clearer and does not look like it is full of guilt.

So as this was a big step, and it took a lot of courage, and to be honest I did not even want to date still, I agreed to accompany a guy i've known since middle school.

So here I am, feeling proud that I am planning on going through with it. When all of the sudden, one phone call turned the whole situation around. My future date ended up becoming an mess of emotions with a lot of anger. I spent 8 hours in one night, worrying, getting yelled at, trying to help, comforting, and begging for him not to end his life. Yep, he was suicidal. Well, actually he already was in the process of overdosing from a bunch of pills before he called. So at 2 in the morning he was being rushed to the emergency room to get his stomach pumped. It turned into a manipulation of me having to be with him but also it not being about me. 

Obviously, I am not going on that date.

The last time I was on the phone with someone trying to commit suicide, I was 14 and that whole situation got out of control. 

I felt like I was 14 again. I was angry for being in that place again but also knew I couldn't give up on him. 

But this isn't what this post is mainly about.

I just want to understand why the universe keeps bringing guys in my life the seem great for a day or two then suddenly do a complete 180 and ends in a call of me discovering they are wanking off on the phone saying creepy things. 

YET, when I am completely fine on my own with my cat, the universe does everything in its power to throw everything and everybody in a relationship in my way to flaunt it right in front of my face. 

Please Universe, please bring me a guy who is at least somewhat normal....or british. Yea, make him british. 

I have been watching too many episodes from "I survived" and "48 Hours"


Everyone is out to get me now.