I haven't slept in days.
Everything is turning into a blur.
My life is a consistent pattern of waitressing and going to school.
I graduate Friday.
Im not excited. I've acted like it but im not.
I am rather sad really. I've grown to love the teachers that have been with me the past year and a half.
And, I am terrible at goodbyes. I always believe its the end. Even if i'll see the person in a few months.
I treat as a forever.
I have to write a speech.
I don't even know where to begin.
Should it be short and sweet? or a meaningful whole page long.
Every time I pick up that pen I start to tear up.
maybe because I feel like this is my goodbye. To everyone.
To high school. To my teachers. To my family.
I know what lies ahead.
I have a plan.
But even with that knowledge I know nothing at all.
Im terrified.
Shaken with the idea of me diving head first in to a world I know nothing about.
A world i've never even stepped in.
And knowing what I know and what I don't know doesn't settle easy.
Im punishing myself.
I wont let myself sleep.
I stay up until you hear the birds chirp.
Im doing in on purpose.
Because why should I have the pleasure of sleeping when I have a vague idea on how Im going destroy a part of my family.
Im spreading my wings, so to speak.
Nearly nineteen years old. I have to.
I can't be a child. I must grow up.
Peter and the Lost Boys would be so disappointed in me.
I'll keep my child like ways with me though.
Always.
I have so many letters to write.
Letters of thanks.
Letters of love.
And the worst of all...
Letters of apologeticness and explanation.
Im guilty.
Im guilty of wanting to be free.
But I have to.
Because if I don't now....
I never will.
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