December 14th 2012 3:44 am

I haven't slept in days.
Everything is turning into a blur.
My life is a consistent pattern of waitressing and going to school.

I graduate Friday.
Im not excited. I've acted like it but im not.
I am rather sad really. I've grown to love the teachers that have been with me the past year and a half.
And, I am terrible at goodbyes. I always believe its the end. Even if i'll see the person in a few months.
I treat as a forever.

I have to write a speech.
I don't even know where to begin.
Should it be short and sweet? or a meaningful whole page long.
Every time I pick up that pen I start to tear up.
maybe because I feel like this is my goodbye. To everyone.
To high school. To my teachers. To my family.

I know what lies ahead.
I have a plan.
But even with that knowledge I know nothing at all.

Im terrified.
Shaken with the idea of me diving head first in to a world I know nothing about.
A world i've never even stepped in.
And knowing what I know and what I don't know doesn't settle easy.

Im punishing myself.
I wont let myself sleep.
I stay up until you hear the birds chirp.
Im doing in on purpose.
Because why should I have the pleasure of sleeping when I have a vague idea on how Im going destroy a part of my family.

Im spreading my wings, so to speak.
Nearly nineteen years old. I have to.
I can't be a child. I must grow up.
Peter and the Lost Boys would be so disappointed in me.
I'll keep my child like ways with me though.
Always.

I have so many letters to write.
Letters of thanks.
Letters of love.
And the worst of all...
Letters of apologeticness and explanation.

Im guilty.
Im guilty of wanting to be free.
But I have to.
Because if I don't now....
I never will.

Death

Some days, it gets really hard to smile. This of course happens to everyone, but when I really start thinking it gets dangerous. And what I happen to find ironic is how the winter months are suppose to be full of love, joy, cheer, and thanks it overall backfires. At least for myself it does. This isn't me saying that all those things don't actually happen, because they do. But a lot of death has happened in the past 3 weeks. People i've known, and mutual friends. Its ere while flipping through their photos to where they seem so alive and full of life and spirit and knowing they are no longer here.

The holidays are right around the corner and I can't help but feel sad for all the ones who have recently left us and how there is going to be empty chairs now at those family gatherings.
Its going to be a cold winter this year.

my dating dilemma

Now, this may be because I have suddenly stumbled across a variety of shows and movies with love interests that end up either starting or ending in a painful break up, but the universe has really kept relationships in my face.

After a year and a half of the most painful heart break I have ever experienced over a guy, I have finally gotten to the place in my life where it doesn't hurt anymore, it is only a memory with all the emotions tucked away in a box. Where moving forward seems clearer and does not look like it is full of guilt.

So as this was a big step, and it took a lot of courage, and to be honest I did not even want to date still, I agreed to accompany a guy i've known since middle school.

So here I am, feeling proud that I am planning on going through with it. When all of the sudden, one phone call turned the whole situation around. My future date ended up becoming an mess of emotions with a lot of anger. I spent 8 hours in one night, worrying, getting yelled at, trying to help, comforting, and begging for him not to end his life. Yep, he was suicidal. Well, actually he already was in the process of overdosing from a bunch of pills before he called. So at 2 in the morning he was being rushed to the emergency room to get his stomach pumped. It turned into a manipulation of me having to be with him but also it not being about me. 

Obviously, I am not going on that date.

The last time I was on the phone with someone trying to commit suicide, I was 14 and that whole situation got out of control. 

I felt like I was 14 again. I was angry for being in that place again but also knew I couldn't give up on him. 

But this isn't what this post is mainly about.

I just want to understand why the universe keeps bringing guys in my life the seem great for a day or two then suddenly do a complete 180 and ends in a call of me discovering they are wanking off on the phone saying creepy things. 

YET, when I am completely fine on my own with my cat, the universe does everything in its power to throw everything and everybody in a relationship in my way to flaunt it right in front of my face. 

Please Universe, please bring me a guy who is at least somewhat normal....or british. Yea, make him british. 

I have been watching too many episodes from "I survived" and "48 Hours"


Everyone is out to get me now.

Picture diary of the past 2 weeks.

Snow using me as a human chew toy. Enjoying it as you can see.

Naps. Lots and lots of naps.

First week of school. I am totally in over my head.

Had a very long double shift day at work. Came home like this. 

Went to my best friend Tori's to have our last sleep over before she left for college. Spent some time with her dog Moe, and passed out at 10:30 because I suck. 

Quick lunch shift at work. Then headed to see dad for the first time in a month. (because of camp and school and work being back to back.)

Has been juggling school, cramming 10 months worth of work into 5 so I can graduate by December> AND having a full time job.

On days that I feel over whelmed I sit with my puppy in my lap. But she is now around 17 weeks...starting to have trouble with the whole fitting in my lap thing.

At work, I get board when its slow. So I started drawing tom and jerry on the back of the floor plan sheet. Then the bar tender asked if he could have it, so I gave it to him. So he left it next to his back pack so if wouldn't get wrinkled. 

Well..... someone stole it. 

NOT NICE.

Finally died my hair since after the first week of camp. Only to find out my hair dye I use doesn't stick to my blonde roots very well. Bummer.

This is what I look like when I am waiting for the hair dye to soak in.

and yes, that is a plastic bag.

Look, I have no idea why I don't have a boyfriend either.

Sometimes at school I get overwhelmed with being too tired and having a lot of work. SO I take pictures. Look how my hair blends in with the wall and my skin is the same color as the lamp shade. 

This is the day I discovered that I am in fact a chameleon. 

My 16 week old puppy got excited and smacked her head into my mouth and busted my lip open. This is when the swelling and bleeding went down.

Staying up ungodly hours of the night doing homework, and sometimes not sleeping at all. This was the week I pulled 3 all nighters, and went 4 days with only 10 hours of sleep. Also, two days without eating, twice. (I might die before December.)

my co-workers discuss my hair color

Margarita (server): "No, I think it's hot hot pink. *see's the cook walk by* HULIO!! Okay, don't you think her hair is hot hot pink?!"

*pause*

Hulio (cook): "All I see is a hot hot babe."

tiny children are like little drunk alcoholics, they say exactly what's on their mind

A 6 year old told me that I look chubby.

Welp. Im officially on a diet. 

I'm as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

School started monday

I'm so serious about finishing school by December.
I am more driven than I have ever been and I will do it.

But in order to get this done, I need to get my sleeping schedule in line. So I will be going to bed soon.

Jordan, Its time to start sleeping like a normal person.

"To live shall be an awfully big adventure." -Peter Pan

After a stressful day of work and thinking I am a 5 year old in a world of grown ups, I enjoy laying on my bed, drawing and curled up with my kitty cat Charlie.

Sucks that I have to get up at 6 am for school though... Goodbye summer, it's been fun.

When We First Met - hellogoodbye

I always find myself coming back to watch this video. I love hellogoodbye, and Meekakitty did a great job giving this song justice. 


NOW SOMEONE BE ALL CUTE  AND RUN AROUND IN A PARK WITH ME.

Let it be known

This is the first time in a week that I have been up before 11 am. Oh summer days...

sleeping problems

I have a problem with sleeping way too little and sleeping way too much.

For some reason I can manage functioning without sleep rather than with it. This fact has made me come to the conclusion that I am either a superhero, or was just born with some genetic disorder where I can go without sleep days at a time.. Kinda like a camel! But thats with water...or am I thinking about a cactus.. yea, that is defiantly a cactus fact.
Also, this is a terrible analogy.

Anyway, this has been noticed by my family, probably because I slept in until 5pm the other day....
BUT I couldn't fall asleep that night! I have terrible insomnia. I would get sleeping pills but my female parental unit basically thinks pills are the next anti christ. "Who is the current anti christ then, Jordan?"

Spiders. Defiantly spiders.

So, I just toss and turn until I pass out...hours later. A little annoying.

I wish I could sleep like a normal person. That would be awesome, and it would help with a lot of things. Like getting things done. And getting to eat lunch.

I miss lunch.

Snow

I have not had the chance to brag about my new puppy Snow on the internet yet. Here you go internet. Feast your eyes on the power of cuteness.

heart to heart

I had a pretty big heart to heart with my brother tonight.

Which is funny because I never saw me having a close relationship with them. Im the one with the different opinions in the family.

But we told each other things we were afraid to tell, and I respect that. I realized things that I never have seen before, and all the worries I had he reassured that things were going to be okay.

I want to be able to live my life without the weight of everyones feelings stuck in my heart.

I am going to be okay.

I just know it.

Camp coma and 2 days left of summer.

Alone

I've had this unhealthy fear since the second grade of being alone, and I have reasoning behind it. I was held back in the second grade. I was comfortable. I had all the friends I could need, and being held back just made everything fall apart. I was separated from the only friends I knew. That I built meaningful relationships with, that started off from babysitting peoples Tamagotchi's, which Sailor Moon character was your favorite and Aaron Carter being my future husband.

I was in a whole new surrounding. I felt alone.

I didn't even know you could do that to a kid! I thought I was being punished. Maybe I was... I didn't always nap during nap time and sometimes I would lick that rock salt lamp even though mom said it wasn't lady like.... To this day I am not really sure why I was held back. The story has often changed, but I know it wasn't because I was struggling in academics. I was actually a very smart child.

I was treated differently after second grade. I was "that girl" in the grade lower than us... I suddenly reversed in age. I was 5 years younger than kids who in reality I was 7 months older than. Dumb blonde jokes entered my life and kids felt superior to me. Even when I left that elementary school and switched to a private school with new faces and teachers I was still a joke. I suddenly wasn't smart anymore, and was too young to be in conversations about Pokemon with my fellow classmates. I felt alone, but I wasn't entirely. Those friends I mentioned earlier stayed.

But that doesn't really explain my fear. I knew the day I repeated my second year of second grade that eventually those friends I had would be leaving me. Years from then, they would graduate one day and leave my life forever and I wouldn't get to leave with them. So for the next 10 years that has been permanently burned into my brain. Honestly I think that is what effected me most. Not the constant bullying, but the thought of my friends experiencing all these cool things with out me and me always being behind. I gave my mother a lot of heated words about this issue... I blamed her and deep in my heart I still do.

This isn't meant to be sad. Even though now thinking about it, I do see a nine year old me with a dark rain cloud over her head...

Some of you may be raising some eyebrows and really speculating about how I keep mentioning "loosing my friends" since I was at such a young age and speak like the idea of these people fading out of my life was never possible. It is very possible. We are all humans and we change and sometimes we change in different ways and that leads to separation. But when you are a kid, you don't ever imagine your life without your friend. It's not an option, and thats the beauty about being a kid with that mind set. I feel people have become so aware that people come and go through out our lives that we actually let them. And why? But just to clue you in. Those 10 years from then, I kept those friends. Sure, I did loose 3, from moving and cell phones were not really popular back then. But I kept 4. They stuck with me through the years. Pretty cool huh?

So, to bring you all back to my original point.  I recently watched them go to their senior prom. I watched them get their letters of acceptance to their future colleges.I watched them graduate without me. I saw them walk onto that stage and accept their diplomas. I watched them drive away in their cars and head to their new dorms. And I have never been more proud.

Because I realized if my friends could be there for me the past 10 years even though we were in different grades and in different schools. There is no reason why they can't be here for me the next 10.

So, Im not scared of being alone anymore or forgotten, because I have all the friends I need. Even if they are all in different states and in college before me.

Im still proud of them and I am NOT alone.