Alone

I've had this unhealthy fear since the second grade of being alone, and I have reasoning behind it. I was held back in the second grade. I was comfortable. I had all the friends I could need, and being held back just made everything fall apart. I was separated from the only friends I knew. That I built meaningful relationships with, that started off from babysitting peoples Tamagotchi's, which Sailor Moon character was your favorite and Aaron Carter being my future husband.

I was in a whole new surrounding. I felt alone.

I didn't even know you could do that to a kid! I thought I was being punished. Maybe I was... I didn't always nap during nap time and sometimes I would lick that rock salt lamp even though mom said it wasn't lady like.... To this day I am not really sure why I was held back. The story has often changed, but I know it wasn't because I was struggling in academics. I was actually a very smart child.

I was treated differently after second grade. I was "that girl" in the grade lower than us... I suddenly reversed in age. I was 5 years younger than kids who in reality I was 7 months older than. Dumb blonde jokes entered my life and kids felt superior to me. Even when I left that elementary school and switched to a private school with new faces and teachers I was still a joke. I suddenly wasn't smart anymore, and was too young to be in conversations about Pokemon with my fellow classmates. I felt alone, but I wasn't entirely. Those friends I mentioned earlier stayed.

But that doesn't really explain my fear. I knew the day I repeated my second year of second grade that eventually those friends I had would be leaving me. Years from then, they would graduate one day and leave my life forever and I wouldn't get to leave with them. So for the next 10 years that has been permanently burned into my brain. Honestly I think that is what effected me most. Not the constant bullying, but the thought of my friends experiencing all these cool things with out me and me always being behind. I gave my mother a lot of heated words about this issue... I blamed her and deep in my heart I still do.

This isn't meant to be sad. Even though now thinking about it, I do see a nine year old me with a dark rain cloud over her head...

Some of you may be raising some eyebrows and really speculating about how I keep mentioning "loosing my friends" since I was at such a young age and speak like the idea of these people fading out of my life was never possible. It is very possible. We are all humans and we change and sometimes we change in different ways and that leads to separation. But when you are a kid, you don't ever imagine your life without your friend. It's not an option, and thats the beauty about being a kid with that mind set. I feel people have become so aware that people come and go through out our lives that we actually let them. And why? But just to clue you in. Those 10 years from then, I kept those friends. Sure, I did loose 3, from moving and cell phones were not really popular back then. But I kept 4. They stuck with me through the years. Pretty cool huh?

So, to bring you all back to my original point.  I recently watched them go to their senior prom. I watched them get their letters of acceptance to their future colleges.I watched them graduate without me. I saw them walk onto that stage and accept their diplomas. I watched them drive away in their cars and head to their new dorms. And I have never been more proud.

Because I realized if my friends could be there for me the past 10 years even though we were in different grades and in different schools. There is no reason why they can't be here for me the next 10.

So, Im not scared of being alone anymore or forgotten, because I have all the friends I need. Even if they are all in different states and in college before me.

Im still proud of them and I am NOT alone.