Different

I don't want to be me.
Just for a little while.
But it's hard to be you when its considered strange to be you.
So we wish for stupid things.
Like to be other people.
To be the same.

But being the same is boring.
The same is not me.
And while I don't want to be me, I always want to be me.
It's complex but also simple.

While being different than who you are seems like a lovely idea, its not.
Because while you are busy trying to be someone else..
The world is losing you.

And who is a better person to be than yourself?
So it's okay to be you.
You are like no one else.

Even if that means you're different.
And you feel like no one will understand.

One day someone just as different will find you.
And you both can be different together.

A letter to him

I know it's not as likely that you think of me as often as I do you. That is, if you even bother to think of me at all anymore. However, I hope that if I ever do manage to cross your mind, even if its only for a second; that you smile.
I hope when you remember me, its the way I laughed at your jokes or held your hand. I hope you remember how you felt when you looked at me.
I know you've held a dozen more hands, and kissed many more lips, and breathed in a couple more scents than I. But I hope that when you think of me you remember when I slept in your arms and you stole all the blankets, and I teased you about it for a whole week.

I don't want you to remember the sadness, I wish that wasn't how you saw me.

I know you are no longer who you were. I know your ideas and personality has changed and I know you say you're cold and are used to disappointing people.

But I remember the way you smile. How you got those little wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed. I remember how you held my hand when you would drive. I remember when you told me you would be so lucky if you could even experience half the love your parents have for each other one day.

I know I'm a fool, because you disappeared a long time ago, and its been a few years since i've seen you. But I know deep down you're still there. Deep down there is still that beautiful smile that could light up a whole room.

I know before you left me for good you said that i would be the one who got away.

Well, you were the one that got away.

Because I fell in love with you when I was 17.

And deep down, I never stopped.

I start college in a week. That is so strange. "I start college in a week." I never thought I'd be saying that. 

I still can remember my first day of 5th grade and thinking, "gosh, one day i'm going to graduate and go to college, I wonder if I will still be the same? I at least hope I still think Peter Pan is cool." and you know, I'm not that little girl anymore. 
Ever since I was little I was so fixated on growing up. "My life is going to begin when I am 18, I just know it." 

Now I sit here, as a 19 year old, a week away from college. In a new home, without my cat Charlie, and I currently only know how to get to the local Chipotle and a snowball stand.

I'm happy. I am a little bored on the lack of not knowing anyone yet, but I am happy. 

I would have never imagined that I would be living in a different state in my aunt and uncle's house and attending a community college with my cousin. 

But that is the thing about life. We can imagine and dream and paint this pretty picture of how our life is going to be but it never turns out that way. Sometimes the lines go a little wobbly, and the led of your pencil breaks. Sometimes the ink in your pen explodes and sometimes you just run out of paint. But that is the beauty of this life. Its unexpected. Its challenging. And it takes you to places you would have never thought of going, but its your story. There is beauty in not knowing. Of course there is also fear, but with that fear we get pushed out of our comfort zone and we grow. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Growing. Always growing. 

You know, life is this huge adventure. It's given to us. Right in front of us, it is just there. With this there are no promises, no facts set in stone, but that is all just part of the ride. There is this wonderful quote by LM Montgomery that goes "Isn't it nice to know that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" 

There is just something so positive in that quote that gives me hope every time I read it. And it's true! While our future is beyond what we can see we still have the power to choose. Sometimes in what we do, and others in how we feel. I realize that we all have our battles. May it be not getting the grade you hoped for, crashing your car, going through a hard breakup, losing your job, a loss of a loved one, not being able to afford this months rent. Whatever it may be, big or small. We have the power as human beings to either let these things defeat and define us or let us grow and over come them. 

Yes it's easy to let these things in our lives defeat us, but why let them? Why waste our energy? The only person you end up hurting is yourself. 

So here I sit. One week away from college, and i'm ready. 
For where ever it takes me.